


Learning to Breathe

by RedPandaPatronus



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Childhood Trauma, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-27
Updated: 2015-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-03 15:39:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5296859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedPandaPatronus/pseuds/RedPandaPatronus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus Lupin was kidnapped by Fenrir Greyback as a child. Broken and abused, he does not speak. At Hogwarts School for Intellectual youth, he learns the power of friendship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Learning to Breathe](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/158786) by PadfootIsMyHomeDawg. 



"Sweetie, it's time to come inside now. It's getting late."

Four-year-old Remus Lupin looked up from a game tug-of-war with his puppy. He peered through his light brown fringe at the plump woman standing in the doorway.

"But _Mummy_ ," he whined. "I'm playing!"

"I know you've been playing," Hope Lupin replied with a broad smile. "But the sun's almost set. Come inside for the night."

The four-year-old huffed, ambling into the warm house. The Beagle pup followed beside him. Once inside, Remus’ mother frowned and touched his cheek with her gentle fingers.

"Goodness, you're freezing!" Hope exclaimed. "Wash and come to the table – I'll heat up some stew for supper." She sighed as the dog followed her little boy around the house.

"It wasn't _that_ cold, Mummy," Remus argued as he went into the kitchen. "Me and Pig were having fun playing in the garden." The pup barked at the sound of his name.

"Yes, I saw the fun you were having," she chided. "But it's _very_ cold out there – it's October. I expect the snow will come soon."

"Hooray!" the little boy cheered as he stretched on the step stool in front of the sink to reach the faucet. "I like snow," he said. "I'm gonna build a _huge_ snowman this year, and it's gonna be even bigger than _me_!"

Hope smiled at her son as he rubbed soap into his dirty hands. "I bet you will," she agreed. "Are you going to put a hat on his head?"

“Last time I used my hat, Ms. Figg's cat chewed it up and I couldn't have one for a _really_ long time!" As Remus continued to chatter away, Hope reheated some stew over the stove. Pig scampered about their feet. Just as Remus sat at the table, Lyall Lupin came in the back door.

"Daddy!" Remus cheered, waving his spoon and smiling at the tall, lanky man.

"How's my little boy?" Lyall said with a grin. He swooped down and picked up his son. Lyall set Remus on his shoulders and trotted around the kitchen.

Remus laughed and tugged at his dad's hair. "Go faster, Daddy! Go faster!"

"Alright! It's gonna get _crazy_ in here!"

"Lyall!" Both boys turned their attention to Hope. "He's freezing and needs to eat his stew. You can't go gallivanting around the kitchen – it's much too small for rough housing."

"Right then," Lyall said with a grin. He swung Remus off his shoulders and into the chair. "Your stew smells delicious." As Hope went to fill another bowl, Lyall leaned over to Remus and whispered, "We'll go gallivanting while she isn’t watching, okay?"

Remus giggled and nodded.

 

Remus woke up that night to a low growling sound at his door. He blinked and sat up, rubbing his eyes. His puppy was standing in front of the closed door, making low growling noises.

"Pig?" Remus yawned and rolled out of bed. "Here you go, boy," he said, letting the dog out of his room. Pig bolted to the back door, where he began scratching.

"It's cold out there," Remus whispered. The pup whined and scratched the door again. Remus sighed and pulled his coat from the rack. He put on his shoes without bothering to do up the laces – he would only be out for a minute, after all. Remus undid the latch and opened the door to let the puppy out.

But Pig didn't stay in the yard – he shot straight to a spot in the fence where the wood was loose, and crawled into the dark forest just beyond their property.

“Pig, come!" Remus called. When the untrained puppy didn't come back, Remus ran through the gate and into the forest.

The trees obscured the light of the full moon. Remus squinted, struggling to run without tripping.

"Pig," he called. "Come here, Pig."

Remus ran for what felt like forever, but was probably twenty minutes. Calling for Pig, he wandered farther and farther from his house.

Lost and desperate, Remus came to a clearing with a stump in the middle. He sat on the stump, his tiny shoulders trembling as he sobbed for his lost dog. Remus didn’t hear the twig that snapped behind him. He did not see the large man with unkempt hair and a feral grin drawing nearer.

Remus heard nothing, saw nothing, and it was that night the man known as Fenrir Greyback took another victim.


	2. The Rescue

Officer Alastor Moody laughed as he read the report. It was up to him to investigate another shack for drugs. He would shut the place down, that was for sure.

Moody suited up Norbert, the best sniffer German Shepard in all of England. It would be fun to bust this man for his crimes.

Moody and Norbert drove out into the countryside. After bumping over countless miles of dirt road, they arrived at a small, dilapidated house in the middle of nowhere.

Moody rapped on the door. A filthy man with shaggy hair opened it, grunting something incomprehensible.

“Mr. Fenrir Greyback, I have a search warrant for this house. If you don’t allow me in, you will face consequences.”

The man eyed Norbert with hate. “You cannot bring that animal into my house.”

“On the contrary, I can and I will.”

Fenrir gargled and spat in Norbert’s direction. “Dogs are of the devil.”

“That was disgusting and unnecessary, Mr. Greyback. If you don’t make this difficult for me, I won’t make it difficult for you.”

“Fine. Come in if you want. I ain’t got no crack, though. Nothing here for you to see.”

Moody and Norbert walked in. Moody searched for signs of use, while Norbert sniffed around the room. Meanwhile, Fenrir stayed in the doorway, digging his dirty fingernails into his hands, grinding his teeth.

The house was in a ghastly state, the furniture ripped and streaked with mud. The carpet had never been vacuumed, and the kitchen linoleum was covered in slime. There were, however, no signs of syringes or pipes. Perhaps Fenrir was just a mad old hermit.

Norbert, however, seemed to be on a trail. He sprinted through the house, sniffing madly. When he came to a particular door, he stopped and barked.

Moody stepped up and pulled on the knob. “Mr. Greyback, I need you to unlock this door for me.”

“Oh, officer, you don’t wanna go down there. There was a friend a mine who died there a while back. Sorta haunted, you know?”

“I assure you, ghosts do not scare me. Unlock the door, Fenrir.”

“I lost the key.” Fenrir fidgeted. Clearly, he was hiding something.

“Then I will break down the door.”

 “There’s nothing down there.”

“So it won’t matter if you unlock it.”

Fenrir snorted and pulled a key from his pocket. “You won’t like it, officer.”

Moody took the key, and turned the knob. Cement stairs led down to a dark cellar. As Moody marched down the stairs, a stench entered his nostrils. Moody gagged, this was not chemical. It was a sort of animal smell, like a badly kept zoo exhibit.

When he reached the bottom step, Moody clicked on his torch. Shining the light around the room, he realized it was a large, unfinished basement.

He noticed a dark red stain on one of the walls. Moody’s stomach lurched. “Norbert,” he called. “Get down here!”

The dog bounded down the stairs, sniffing the stain. He touched his nose to the floor, running into the dark. Moody heard him stop running, then two loud barks. The man followed Norbert, keeping his torch in front of him.

When Moody caught up to the dog, his heart nearly stopped. Norbert was standing in the corner of the room, nudging his nose against a filthy, emaciated child. Whatever Moody had expected to see, it was not this.

Never in his twenty years with the police force had Moody seen a child in such a terrible state. The boy was covered in crescent shaped cuts that resembled bite marks. He was wearing nothing but a pair of black shorts, and his upper arms bore hand shaped bruises.

Moody knew better than to touch him, but he spoke in a low, soothing voice. “We’ll get you out of here, kid.”

***

Hope Lupin stretched, rolling over. She hadn’t slept properly in five years. Without her child, the world was dark and dreary. Hope used to cry, but she had run out of tears. She used to worry, but her worry sensors were dead. Hope, and Lyall, too, were lost in a world without their little boy.

“Lyall,” she whispered. “I can’t sleep.”

“Me neither. I wonder if I should call the investigators.”

Hope groaned. “They stopped searching a year ago.”

“Talking to them helps.” Lyall knew that investigators weren’t searching for Remus anymore, but there was always a chance they’d find him while searching for someone else.

“If it helps you, call. I don’t need to hear about the conversation, though.”

Lyall stood. Halfway to the kitchen, the telephone rang. He sped up, grabbing it on the third ring.

“Lyall Lupin? This is Amelia Bones, from Mungo’s Hospital. There was a child admitted earlier today. He’s about nine years old, brunette, with light eyes. I think this fits the description of your missing son.” 

“That sounds like him.” Lyall couldn’t breathe. “Where was he?” he choked.

“Mr. Lupin, that is confidential information. We cannot be certain the boy is your son until you identify him.”

“Mungo’s, you say? In London? We’ll be there as soon as we can.”

“I want you to be aware that he is in a bad condition. There are signs of severe abuse and malnourishment.”

***

Ms. Bones met Lyall and Hope in the waiting area. “Come with me,” she said. She did not smile, but her demeanor was kind. They followed her into the white washed, sterile room.

There, on the bed, slept a boy. His skin was stretched tight against his bones, and he was covered in scars. Lyall paused before peering into his face.

It was Remus. Lyall could not mistake those thick eyelashes or that round nose. It was Remus, much older and sicker than he’d ever seen him.

Leaning over her son, Hope whispered, “Remus, we’ve missed you. We’re so happy you’ve come back.”

Remus’ eyes fluttered open. They darted between his mother and his father. He ground his teeth, not saying a word.

“We love you, son,” Lyall said.

Tears fell from the broken boy’s ducts. He did not say a word.

As Remus cried, both Lyall and Hope lost control of their emotions. They sobbed, holding each other. Their son was alive. He was hurt, he had been brutalized. They would be sad soon. Angry. But now, all they could feel was sheer wonder.

Ms. Bones led Lyall and Hope to a meeting room with a round table and comfortable chairs. A black-haired female doctor joined them. Ms. Bones asked questions about Remus’ childhood and disappearance. Then more questions about the investigations they’d sponsored. After an hour of interrogation, she said, “This boy has been identified as Remus Lupin. You may take him home with you when he’s released. Now, I believe my colleague has something to tell you about his medical status.”

“Mr. and Mrs. Lupin,” the doctor said. “Your son is suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. In children, it can manifest itself in the form of panic attacks, disengagement, and behavioral trouble.”

Hope and Lyall nodded. They didn’t expect Remus to be the same after this ordeal.

“There’s one more thing,” the doctor paused, choosing her words carefully. “Remus has not spoken since he arrived here. His brain scans show that he is capable, neurologically, of speaking. His silence appears to be a choice."

***

Remus’ cuts healed and bruises faded, only faint white scars remaining. He never regained the healthy weight he'd had as a child. No longer was Remus happy and rambunctious.

He hadn't smiled since he returned – not once. Lyall had tickled him, hoping to get a laugh, but Remus had reacted badly and gone into a full-scale, silent panic attack.

Remus hadn't made a sound since the moment he saw his parents. No words, no grunts, no cries or screams – nothing. Sometimes he nodded or shook his head, but most of the time he stared.

There were triumphs as well as heartbreaks. In Remus' first month back, Hope discovered him reading one of her books. He’d barely been reading five years ago, and Hope was pleasantly surprised that he remembered how. Hope went out and bought several new books similar to the one she’d found him reading. Remus didn’t react when she gave them to him. Later, though, she saw him with one of the new books, eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

Hope continued to buy him any books she could get her hands on. After a year of this, the walls in his room were filled with bookshelves, stacked with books. Scattered throughout the house were various books. There was a stack on the coffee table, one on the kitchen counter, and one sitting on the back of the toilet.

Lyall also discovered something about Remus. He went outside to pull weeds around the rose bush and saw Remus on the edge of the patio, tracing in the dirt. Lyall noticed that Remus was trying to draw letters.

Excited, Lyall gave Remus a pencil and a yellow legal pad. In sloppy handwriting, Remus wrote: _Thanks, Dad._ Lyall shouted for joy. Remus was there, Remus was thinking of him.

As the first few years passed, Remus' progress was slow. His handwriting grew neat, though he had yet to speak a work out loud. Whenever he wasn’t reading, he was writing, penning his own ideas. Remus was reluctant to share his writing with his parents. Though they were curious, they didn't push him, instead buying him notebooks by the dozens. After almost four years, he had hundreds of handwritten pages expressing his creations.

One day, two months before Remus turned thirteen; Hope was rolling out dough for cinnamon rolls. Remus appeared out of the corner of her eye. She looked over with a smile, which he made no attempt to return. He held out his legal pad for her to read a note he'd made earlier:

_Can I go to school?_

Hope blinked, her cinnamon rolls forgotten. "School?" she declared. "Isn't homeschooling enough?"

Remus took a moment to write out a response. _Yes. But I want to be around more people my age._

"I'm not sure you're caught up with your grade, Remy," Hope said. "The people in your age group are more advanced than you are at the moment."

Remus blinked, and an expression of unease crossed over his features as he scribbled onto the notepad.

_I know I can catch up. I've been reading a lot._

Hope chuckled. "Been reading a lot" was an understatement. "Yes, I know you have, sweetie," she said. "But I don't think you're quite ready for public school yet."

Remus furiously scribbled on the paper. After a moment, he handed it to her for her to read again.

_Not public school – I know that would be too much. I meant a boarding school, where it's very structured and disciplined._

"Boarding school?!” Hope exclaimed. “Why ever would you want to live at school?"

_Dad went to Hogwarts School for Intellectual Youth when he was my age. I was looking at it in his yearbook. I like structure and virtues of that school._

Hope shook her head in astonishment when she read what he'd written. "That was different, Remy," she told him. "He was…it's not the same…"

_I like the idea of living with three or four other boys in the same room. It might help._

Hope knew that he was talking about his night terrors. They were silent – like everything else he did. They had moved his bed to their room during his first year back at home. Touching Remus was out of the question, even when waking him from a nightmare, so they had to rely on their presence alone. Hope believed that he thrashed less with her and Lyall close.

Remus was getting old to sleep in his parents’ bedroom. Even he knew it, and perhaps that’s why he was suggesting moving to boarding school.

"And what of your not speaking?" she asked him. "Your teachers may not like having to read off your pad every time, and your peers will be curious."

_Let them be curious. I won't tell them – it's none of their business. And the teachers can be told about the PTSD._ _I really want to go to Hogwarts._

Hope sighed. "I'll talk with your father about it."

Remus didn't smile – not that it was expected – but gave her a nod, and then left the room.

Though Hope wanted Remus to go to school, she was afraid of what other students would say or do to her son. Remus, for all his cleverness, carried pain that most teenagers couldn’t fathom. Hope knew how cruel teenagers could be to people who were different.


	3. James

"Looks like we have a new roommate!" James Potter grinned as Sirius Black waltzed into the dormitory, Peter Pettigrew trailing after him.

Sirius flopped onto his bed, letting his arms go limp. "Where'd you hear that?"

James rolled his eyes and pointed to the empty bed. "Kensington moved to the States over the summer. This trunk says 'Remus Lupin'– " The air whooshed from James’ lungs as Sirius threw a pillow at his stomach.

"Can the attitude, Potter," Sirius said, grinning. "Anyway, what's the deal? He's probably going to be just like Kensington was – a prudish, bossy swot who can't pull his head out of his arse to see that there are sweeter-smelling things growing in the flower fields.

James rolled his eyes. "We don't _have_ flower fields at Hogwarts."

"We should, though," Sirius mused without missing a beat. "It would definitely be an improvement to the smell around here."

"That's probably your feet you smell."

Sirius flipped him the bird, chuckling.                                                 

" _Anyway_ ," James said, rolling his eyes. "He's gotta be important, else Dumbledore and McGonagall wouldn't be whispering about him."

Sirius sat up, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "What were they saying about him?" he asked. "Anything we might find interesting?"

James shrugged. "They saw me listening and walked away, but I know I heard the name 'Lupin'."

"How can you _remember_ a name like that?" Peter asked him.

"Superior brain powers," James teased, flopping back onto his bed. "I remember things much better than you do, man."

Before Peter could come up with a retort, the door opened and a thin boy with honey-colored hair walked into the room. His gaze darted between the three; then he waved a hand in greeting.

"Hi," James said, coming up and holding a hand out to the boy. "I'm James Potter. The two dunces over there are Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew." Sirius and Peter waved back at the newcomer.

The boy looked at James with a sharp, nervous gaze. He shook his hand, not saying a word.

"So…you must be Remus Lupin, then." Sirius joined James as the boy rifled through his bag.

The boy didn't say anything, but brought out a yellow legal pad. James could see writing on the first page, sentences broken up by a line in between each of them.

"Are you deaf, man?" Sirius sounded annoyed. They watched as the boy began writing on the pad without acknowledging them.

Now James was getting annoyed. This kid was stuck up all right.

But after he finished, he handed James the paper pad. Scribbled at the bottom was:

_Hello, James, Sirius, and Peter. I'm Remus Lupin. I switched here after being homeschooled._

That explained his lack of verbal response. Sirius leaned over James’ shoulder to read the note. "Why aren't you speaking?"

Lupin held out a hand for the pad. After James handed it back, he tore off the top page, crumpled it into a ball, and wrote on the new page.

_I'm just not. Don't worry about it._

“No, tell us. Why aren’t you speaking?” James probed.

Remus made a face, and took back the pad.

_If you’re going to be so nosy I won’t write you notes either._

“Well, that’s stupid,” Sirius said. “It seems like kind of a big deal.”

“Lay off, Sirius. He doesn’t have to tell us if he does want to.”

Remus shot James a grateful look. After taking back the legal pad, he sat on his bed. Remus pulled out a book and began reading, as though they were no longer there. Sirius, James, and Peter looked around with raised eyebrows. Shrugging, they pulled out a deck of cards and began playing a loud game of slapjack. But even as James laughed, his eyes kept wandering to their mysterious new roommate.

 _What is he hiding?_ James wondered. He was determined to find out.

 

Remus didn’t find his roommates very amusing. Clearly, in their own eyes, they were the world. Maybe they were interested in him, in their goofy way, but they would need to show more than that to earn Remus’ trust.

 

When Remus looked at James Potter, he knew he was looking at a hero. Since the moment he stuck out his hand, Remus knew James was the type of person who would fight evil and defend good. Remus didn’t have the energy to fight evil. He fought for survival.

 

Sirius Black was different. From Remus’ quick encounter with him, he sensed that Sirius, too, fought some sort of battle. It was not pure and golden like James’. Sirius’ battle was tainted, and it gave him a bitter streak.

 

Though he was silent throughout the introduction, Remus mistrusted Peter Pettigrew most of all. Peter gave off no sign of any sort of fight. He gave off a dejected air, like he’d given up. If there was one thing Remus hated more than any other, it was people who gave up on life.

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

For the first day of lessons, James observed Remus, always sitting one seat away from him. He waited for Remus to break his silence and pull the prank. But hour after hour, Remus remained silent, scratching notes during lectures. It wasn’t just that he never said a word, he never made a sound. He didn’t laugh, groan, or acknowledge people. James had never seen anything like it; he burned with curiosity.

After classes were over for the day, James strolled down the corridor back to the dorms. He saw Remus walking a ways ahead of him, clutching his stack of books. James was impressed that such a thin boy could carry such a load – besides the school's textbooks, Remus also carried his legal pad and a paperback crime novel.

Just then, a muscular, blond seventh-year strode by. He reached out and shoved Remus with all his might. The smaller boy toppled to his hands and knees, his books scattering across the hall.

“Freak!” the bully spat. “Why can’t you be normal?” James broke into a run, hoping to give Lucius Malfoy a talking to. But Malfoy continued on, leaving Remus on the floor behind him. Remus, James decided, was the more pressing matter. Kneeling down to help Remus gather his books, James’ eyes met Remus’. The amber depths were pained, even haunted.

James stacked Remus’ books neatly in his arms and rose to his feet. He held out a hand to help Remus up. Remus stared at James’ hand for a moment, but then turned his head away and pushed himself up.

James raised his eyebrows. "Got an independent streak, huh?” Remus shrugged without looking at James.

“Malfoy's a git," James said as they continued down the corridor. "Don't pay any attention to what the wanker has to say."

Remus nodded.

"Would you like to hang out with me and Sirius and Peter during free time?" asked James. "I mean, if you've got nothing else to do – we hang out at this tree down by the lake…"

Remus blinked in surprise as he pulled his writing pad from between his English and Arithmetic books, and a pen from his pocket. After writing as they walked, he handed it to James, not looking him in the eye.

James looked at the note – _You sure? I don’t want to intrude._

“Course I’m sure. I’m the one who asked, you dolt!” James was about to smack Remus on the back, but thought the better of it. Maybe it was better to move slowly with this one.

James chatted about many things as they walked back to the room. Football, Peter’s weird love of rats, football, girls, and football. James noticed that Remus listened attentively the whole time, a strange sort of look on his face. While he never smiled, he did look slightly happy. James hadn't that seen before, at any point during the day or the previous night. He liked it.

 _I want to get Remus to smile,_ James thought as they dropped their books in the room.

 _Freak! Why can’t you act normal?_ The tall boy’s comments cut Remus. Remus knew the mutism made him a freak. He knew normal people didn’t live with flashbacks of confined basements and disgusting kidnappers. Normal people hugged and kissed, normal people _spoke_. Maybe coming to Hogwarts had been a bad idea after all. At home, he could at least pretend to be normal.

When James Potter came to help Remus, he felt weak, pathetic. Normal people didn’t let jerks knock them around. But as they walked, as James told him about the quirks of being a boy at school, something changed. James, Hogwarts’ self-proclaimed hero, spoke to Remus with respect. More than that, James wanted him around. Remus did not trust James, but he enjoyed his company. The black haired boy’s constant optimism was rubbing off on Remus a bit.

_Maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn more than English and Math at Hogwarts._


	4. Lily

Remus sat up straight and glanced around. Where was he? It was a room with three other beds, two of them shaking and emitting terrifying noises. Where were his parents?

“Oy, Lupin!” shouted a voice from one of the beds. “Did we wake you, mate?”

Remus took in the speaker’s messy black hair and confident slump. A name came to Remus. _James. James Potter._

Remus remembered everything; his arrival at Hogwarts, his classes the previous day, being called a freak, and going down to the lake with James and his friends. Thinking of so many events made Remus exhausted. How could he possibly get through another day that long?

“You woke me at least,” whispered a voice from the bed next to Remus’. “James, what the hell are you and Sirius going on about?”

“Come and have a look,” a third voice called. “The ginormous beetles on my bedpost are shagging!”

Peter got up and walked to the side of the room with James and Sirius’ beds. He peered in the left post on the footboard, and made a face. James and Sirius burst into laughter.

“Wow, Pete! You’d think you were looking at a dead body.” Sirius leaned over his bedpost and picked something up between his fingers.

“I dare you to eat them,” Peter said.

 “I don’t exist to entertain you, Peter.”

“Make Lupin eat them, then!” Peter squealed. Remus drew in a breath. He knew how beetles tasted, and did not want to remember when that happened.   

“Shut up. It’s the kid’s second day. Even Sirius wouldn’t be such a git.” James stood up and stretched. He walked to Sirius and held out his hand lazily. Sirius dropped the beetles into his hand. James dropped them on the floor and stamped on them. “Let’s get ready for breakfast, shall we?”

Relieved, Remus stood up and gathered his school uniform. He took it with him into the bathroom to change. When he emerged, fully dressed, Remus saw James and Sirius wearing only trousers. They laughed, seeming in no hurry to cover their bare chests. Remus averted his eyes, staring at the floor. Unfortunately, this didn’t get past the other boys.

“Merlin, Lupin, you’re worse than Peter! What are you gonna do when we change our pants?”

Remus hoped James would step up to defend him again, but he just chuckled along with Sirius. Ignoring his roommates, Remus walked straight ahead, keeping his eyes on the ground.

 

When he entered the dining hall, Remus allowed himself to look up. Fortunately, it was early, so there were several places Remus could sit alone. However, a red-haired girl that Remus recognized from Chemistry class waved at him and pointed at the seat next to her. After his stressful interactions with his roommates, Remus would have preferred to sit alone, but the girl looked at him with such enthusiasm, he figured he’d find out what was up.

_Remember, Remus, you could study all you want at home. Social interaction, on the other hand…_

He pulled out the chair next to the girl and sat down, expecting her to say something. Instead, she pulled out a notebook and scribbled:

_Hello, I’m Lily Evans. What’s your name?_

Remus read the note, shocked. The girl could talk, she wasn’t a freak like him. He’d seen her whispering to a boy with long black hair the day before. Why was she resorting to his form of communication? He picked up a pen and answered on the same piece of paper:

_Remus Lupin. Do you mind if I ask why you aren’t talking?_

Lily frowned and wrote: _You haven’t said a word since you came to school. I saw you writing notes to James Potter on that legal pad. I thought this would make you more comfortable, but if not…_

If he could have made a sound, Remus would have gasped. Lily was going out of her way to help him.

 _No, no._ He wrote hurriedly. _I’m surprised that you would think of this, is all. My mother writes notes to me, sometimes, but my father always prefers speaking to me. Here at school everyone follows my father’s way._

 Lily paused, then wrote: _How has school been for you so far?_

 _Difficult._ Remus replied. _But not as difficult as I expected. I enjoy classes._

 _And outside of classes?_ Lily would not let him get away with this one.

_Some people are nice. Some are horrible._

Lily nodded. _That’s how it seems to me too._

Remus cocked his head at her. _Why do you care so much about strangers, Lily?_

_Why shouldn’t I, Remus? Want to sit next to me in Chemistry today?_

 

 _Why do I care so much about strangers?_ Lily Evans was trying to listen to her Ancient History teacher, but he just droned on and on. She couldn’t stop thinking about Remus Lupin, the silent, serious boy who roomed with James Potter. Lily was no stranger to suffering, but the hurt that hung around Remus Lupin was different somehow. She couldn’t look at his empty face, his haunted eyes, and not care.

 _What could possibly have happened to him?_ Instead of taking notes, she found herself listing possible things that could be bothering Remus. So far, she had:

_Dead parents_

_Violent neighborhood_

_Family does not love him_

_Has never had any friends_

_Doesn’t have food to eat at home_

_Doesn’t have a home at all_

_Watched something terrible happen when he was young_

Nothing on the list seemed to work, exactly. The only way Lily could find out would be to ask Remus, and she’d have to do it gently. Maybe she should wait until he knew her better. After all, Remus had seemed wary of her earlier that morning.

Severus, a boy with long black hair, had been Lily’s best friend since she was ten. They sat together in history class, and Sev had a terrible habit of copying Lily’s notes. Leaning over her shoulder, he caught a glimpse of her list.

“What the hell, Lily?” he whispered. “What kind of notes are those?”

“Oh,” Lily covered the notes. “They’re about a character I’m making for my creative writing class.”

“Really?” Severus said. “It looks to me like you are theorizing about someone real.” Severus glared at her. “Lily Evans, ask me any question, and I will answer you. You know that.”

Lily smiled. “Sev. That list is not about you. Believe it or not, you don’t occupy my thoughts every second.”

Severus looked away, and Lily knew he was communicating hurt.

“Oh, come on. I think about you a lot, even you aren’t around. Honest. I was just making a joke.”

“Hmm. Well, if that list isn’t about me, who is it about? James Potter?”

 Lily laughed. “That arrogant toe-rag? He says he’s starving when he skips dinner. James Potter wouldn’t know hardship if it slapped him in the face. No, Sev, I’m wondering what’s up with Remus Lupin.”

“Lupin? The skinny new kid? He seems kind of messed in the head if you ask me.”

Lily frowned at Severus’ word choice, but said: “I know. I just wonder why, is all.”

“After another project, are you, Lily?”

“Of course not, Severus. I just want to know what’s up with him, why he’s so…”

“Fucked up.”

“Not the way I’d put it, but yeah.” 

_Projects._ Severus seemed to think that was the right word for Lily’s interesting choice in friends, but Lily knew better. She loved people who were different. They taught her things about life no “normal” person ever could.

In Chemistry class, Lily smiled as Remus slid into the seat beside her.  _Hello, there,_ she wrote.

_Hello yourself. Nice day?_

Lily grinned wider. Remus was pleasant company. _Not bad._

They continued scribbling notes to each other as class went on, pausing to conduct their labs with pipettes full of colored liquid.

At the end of class, Lily wrote one last note: _Remus, do you mind if I ask why you aren’t talking?_

Remus shrugged, writing: _I don’t mind if you ask, but that doesn’t mean I’ll answer._

 _Hey now. It doesn’t have to be detailed. I just want to understand where you come from._ Lily hoped she wasn’t pushing him too hard, but she was curious beyond measure.

_Something bad happened to me when I was younger. I haven’t talked since then._

Lily picked up her pen, about to write something in response. Remus pushed his hand under hers and wrote: _Please. No more questions about that._

Lily touched Remus lightly on the shoulder. “I’m sorry,” she said aloud. “I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

Remus shrunk away from her touch. Writing quickly, he said: _I have to go to the lavatory._

Remus stood up and bolted from the room.

 _What have I done?_ Lily wondered. She had been as gentle and comforting as possible, and it had only made things worse.


	5. Sirius

Remus ran out of the classroom. He wasn’t thinking, really, he just needed to get away. Lily’s touch had made him shiver, the first touch he’d had since coming to school.

Remus entered the nearest boys’ room. He turned the sink on, letting the cold water run over his hands. _I’m fine,_ he thought. _She shocked me is all._

Remus glanced in the mirror, taking in his light brown hair, amber eyes, and thin face. He looked normal. But he knew that inside he wasn’t normal.

At that moment, someone came out of the stall behind him. “Well, hello there, Lupin,” a voice said. “Fixing your hairdo?”

The voice was teasing, but not mean exactly. Remus turned, finding himself face to face with Sirius Black. He didn’t have his notebook with him, so Remus shook his head and mimed washing his hands.

“Are you some sort of germaphobe?” Sirius asked with the same tone.

Remus shrugged. He hadn’t thought of it that way before.

The two boys jumped as the door flew open. Lily marched into the bathroom, arms full of books, red hair flying. “Remus—”

“Oy, Evans!” Sirius exclaimed, tensing up. “This is a guys’ room. What are you doing here?”

“Remus left his books.”

“You couldn’t wait for him outside the door?” Sirius glared at Lily.

“Remus looked disturbed when he ran out of class. I followed him to make sure he’s okay.” Lily shot a glare back.

“What about me? Do you think I would be okay if you marched in here right as I was—”

“I get the idea, Black.” Lily turned to Remus, softening her gaze. “Here are your things. Are you feeling alright?”

Remus nodded, taking his books. He fished out his paper pad and pen.

“Are you sure?”

 _Yes._ He wrote. _Thank you for finding me. I really think you should leave. Sirius Black isn’t comfortable with you in here._

Lily glanced at Sirius, who was hopping from foot to foot, an agitated expression on his face.

“All right. Take care, Remus. ”

Sirius rolled his eyes, breathing a sigh of relief the moment she left the room. “That girl literally has no boundaries.”

 _No, I guess she doesn’t._ Remus handed Sirius the paper pad.

“Why did you ask her to leave? You obviously didn’t mind her _charming_ presence,” Sirius said, looking at the first note.

_You didn’t want her in here. This is your space._

“Yeah, that’s true. But why did you care about that? I haven’t been very nice to you.”

Remus paused, twirling the pen in his hand. _I don’t like it when people intrude on my space. It wasn’t fun watching her intrude on yours._

Sirius blinked in surprise. “You and Evans were hanging out all day. I thought you were friends or something.”

_I like her. That doesn’t mean she’s perfect._

“Nobody is. Not even me.” Sirius leaned against the wall, smirking.

_Really? You had me fooled._

“You know, sarcasm is hard to detect when it’s written on paper.”

_If I had another way to talk to you, I would._

“Were you born this way?” Sirius dropped his smirk, peering into Remus’ face. He cocked his head to the side, curious.

 _Don’t be nosy._ Remus wrote, looking down at the paper to avoid eye contact.

“Okay. I guess you’re entitled to your secrets.”

  _Thank you. You aren’t so bad, Sirius Black._

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_My first week at Hogwarts has been interesting. The classes are hard, but I’m up for the challenge. My favorite is probably the Creative Writing class with Professor Burbage._

_My roommates are loud and they laugh a lot. James Potter was the first person to talk to me here. He has helped me out of some difficult situations. James Potter knows how to protect his own, that’s for sure. Sirius Black, on the other hand, likes to tease. I had an interesting conversation with him the other day, though, and I think he can actually be serious some of the time. No pun intended. My last roommate, Peter Pettigrew…he has said nothing to me since I came, and it’s not like I can approach him. He seems mean in a petty kind of way, but James thinks he’s funny._

_In my Chemistry class, I have an actual friend, Lily Evans. She writes me notes instead of talking most of the time. It is really nice of her. Lily cares about me a lot. Unfortunately, that means she is also curious about me. We’ll see where that leads._

_That’s all I can think of. I miss you, but I am glad to be here._

_Love,_

_-Remus_

Remus put his pen down and stuffed the letter in an envelope, just as James came bounding in.

"Hey, Lupin," James greeted, going over to his bed and plopping down. "What's up?"

Remus shrugged and picked up a book from his stack beside him.

James didn't seem to care much as he pulled off his cleats and socks, tossing them to the side. "That's cool, then. Anyway, saw you talking with Evans – she say anything about me?"

Remus looked up from the book and arched an eyebrow in response.

James sighed, though he didn't look defeated. "Yeah, probably the usual. She seems to think I’m an arrogant toe-rag. At least I know better."

Remus shrugged and raised his book to his eyes.

Sirius rushed in the room, a panicked look on his face. "James, you gotta help me!" he exclaimed, “You won’t believe it – I was walking down to the lake, and these birdsstarted coming after me! I swear, it was like they were the kamikaze – on a mission to take me down. It was creepy, they were hummingbirds with absurdly long beaks going _bzzzzz_ right in my ear."

"I'm pretty sure hummingbirds don't _buzz_ , Sirius," James said, rolling his eyes. "They _hum_."

"But they werebuzzing!" Sirius insisted. "And don't interrupt me. Anyway, there were at least a hundred of them, and they were all swarming around me like mosquitoes in summer! And then this one starts pecking at me like it's a freaking woodpecker, which is strange in itself, because it's not supposed to be pecking. And then it was like, the domino effect, because then they allstarted pecking. Then I jumped in the lake and get rid of them, but a squid flopped into my hand, and it sprayed water all over the hummingbirds, which made them angry. So then…"

"Sirius," James interrupted. "Skip to the end. _What's_ the problem?"

Sirius took a breath, and then spat out: "Jelly beans are scattered everywhere on the second floor, a couple of first years are hanging by their underwear on the chandeliers in the Great Hall, there is a lost flock of geese running around that was last seen in the dungeons, and I'm pretty sure McGonagall is going to chop off my balls and feed them to her cat."

James blinked, and then chuckled. That chuckle turned into a laugh, and soon he was clutching his sides as tears streamed down his face. Sirius glared at James for a moment, but soon his face cracked too. Then the two boys were laughing together over something completely stupid and sure to get Sirius into a lot of trouble.

After several minutes of mirth, they finally got themselves under control, and Sirius glanced over to Remus, expecting some him to smile. Instead Remus shot him an irritated look and continued reading. Sirius scoffed; why couldn't Remus stopbeing such a stick in the mud and have some fun? Did he disapprove of laughter and typical teenage fun because he thought he was “oh so grown up”?

 _Stupid Lupin,_ he thought. _Who does he think he is? I'll show him._

 

Remus opened his private journal. Some people prayed when they were stressed, Remus wrote.

_I think I did something to James and Sirius, but I don't know what. Everything was fine until a few days ago, when Sirius came running into the dorm with some story about how he got into trouble and needed help getting out of it. I don't really know the whole story of what happened to lead "attacking hummingbirds" to "attacking Calculus professor", but that's not important. Afterwards, Sirius seemed a bit colder with me than normal, and he's been a bit snide ever since then. And he's telling more stupid stories._

_I am jealous of how carefree Sirius and James are. Their greatest fear is detention with McGonagall. They push each other, smack each other, and even hug each other without getting shivery. They joke about nasty things like eating beetles._

_ They _ _never had to deal with being used by a sick bastard for five years, day after wretched day, with no clue as to the passing time except when he would next come down to that dark, lonely basement to have another—_

Remus stopped writing suddenly, realizing that he was shaking. He'd never let out so much at once.

Remus picked up a pen, scribbling harsh lines over everything he’d just written. He scribbled for a whole minute, then slammed the notebook shut and threw it into his bedside cabinet.

 _So much for writing from my point of v_ iew.

Remus pulled another notebook of the shelf, one he hadn’t opened since coming to school. The last few lines read:

_I breathe in, my sensitive canine nose tingling with anticipation. My stomach growls. It’s been a long time since my last meal, and even longer since I’ve been so ravenous._

_My prey is waiting. He has no idea what I’m about to do to him. No idea that I am about to tear him to shreds._

_I lunge, sinking my teeth into his flesh. His blood flows through my mouth. It is young, fresh. There’s a reason I enjoy children._

_He screams, but I ignore it. I’m doing nothing wrong. After all, who can fault a wolf for being hungry?_


	6. Wormtail

“Sirius,” James hissed. It was past midnight, and Peter and Remus were snoring in their beds. “Sirius, wake up, mate. I want to talk to you.”

Sirius jumped. “What’s wrong with you? Can’t you see I was sleeping?”

“Yeah, but I need to talk.”

That was enough for Sirius. He sat up straight, making room for James to sit on the bed beside him. “Spill it, James. I’m all ears.”

“It’s Remus. Have you noticed how sad he looks?”

Sirius paused, thinking. “I guess. I thought he was more shy than sad.”

James nodded. “Yeah, he’s definitely shy. He doesn’t even talk. But there’s something more. He doesn’t smile, Sirius. It’s been worse since you pulled that prank a few days ago. He hasn’t come near us.”

“I was annoyed that he didn’t think the prank was funny. He just stared at me, James, like I had no right to be laughing. Damn, if I’m not allowed to laugh even _here_ —”

James’ face darkened. “I know. You get to laugh all you want with me, Sirius. I just wish Remus would laugh, too.”

The two friends sat in silence for a moment, thinking. “Maybe he’s jealous,” Sirius said.

“Jealous? Of what?”

“That we laugh and smile and pull pranks. That we can talk.” Sirius sounded oddly thoughtful.

“I guess that would make sense. But if he’s so jealous, why doesn’t he at least try to join us?” James furrowed his brow in confusion.

Sirius shook his head. “It’s not that simple. My insides are practically eaten alive with jealousy every time you get a letter from home, but that doesn’t make my parents love me.” Sirius froze at the expression on James’ face. “I mean—”

James growled, then flinched. Sirius’ words had thrown him off. Maybe Sirius had his own reasons for avoiding Remus.

“James, I’m sorry. I know this is about Lupin. But I wonder, you know, if he’s like me.”

“Like you? Sirius, what are you on about? I know your family are assholes—”

“We were talking about Remus, remember?” Sirius crossed his arms and looked away.

“Yeah, but…I dunno, Sirius. You’re scaring me. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“Would scare you more if I stopped talking, wouldn’t it? If I started scribbling on a little paper pad like Remus does.”

“That would… _yes_ , you wanker, that would scare me. Don’t you dare do it.” James whistled between his teeth, wishing Sirius could be as carefree as he was.

Sirius stared out the window, wiggling his fingers. “James, would you say I was crazy if I told you I’ve thought about doing something like that? About cutting the world off?”

James sighed. “No, Sirius. I wouldn’t think you were crazy. Not when I know—”

“Shut up.” Sirius hissed. “Lupin and Pete might be listening.”

James thought it was unlikely that their roommates could hear them (they were whispering, after all), but he didn’t comment on it. James didn’t know what it was like to live with a family like Sirius’, but he knew it was scary to talk about. He swung his arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “Sirius,” he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “I don’t want you to be sorry, James. Now, what were you saying about Lupin?”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I don’t know if he ‘like you’, or if there is something even worse going on for him. But I know, Sirius, that when you are sad, I can make you smile. Why can’t I make Remus smile? Am I not good enough?” James’ wavered, it was hard to admit his insecurity.

“No, James. It’s not you. I reckon Lupin is just more difficult than most. With my help, you could make him smile. Together, we’ll cheer him up. Suppose we should play a prank on him?”

James’ face split into a grin. “Yes, let’s. But it will have to be special for him.”

Sirius grinned back, glad the focus was on something happier.

James went back to his bed, brain whizzing with ideas about how to prank Remus.

 

Peter Pettigrew woke to a squeak beneath his head. “Shut up, Wormtail,” he groaned. “Don’t want you to be found out, do we?”

Peter rolled out of bed, clumsily pulling a box shaped cage from under his bed. He stuck his finger through the bars, tickling the rat’s nose. “Hungry, are you?” Peter pulled a bag of bird seed from his drawer, and dumped some into the cage through a little door on the side. “Enjoy your breakfast, Wormy.”

That morning at breakfast, Peter sat between Sirius and the weird new Lupin kid. Sirius and James were whispering, which was not unusual, but they kept shooting glances at Peter. Peter felt left out, and wondered if the others were making fun of him. He thought of talking to Lupin, but remembered that the boy wouldn’t be able to answer him. So Peter sat in silence, lonely and othered.

Lily Evans sauntered into the room, plopping herself down across from Lupin. “Good morning, Peter,” Lily said, grinning at him. “Morning, Remus,” she said to Lupin. “Aren’t you the quiet bunch this morning?”

“What do you expect, Evans?” Peter grumbled. “It’s not like Lupin and I could have a chat.”

Lily glanced at Peter, looking thoughtful. “Pettigrew, talking to Remus isn’t difficult. Watch.”

Lily took out a spiral notebook and scribbled: _You finish Slughorn’s homework? I thought it was pretty hard._

Remus dug a pencil out of his pocket and wrote: _Yeah. I thought so too. Maybe next time we can work together._

 _That’s not a bad idea._ She tapped Peter on the shoulder, pointed at the paper, and wrote: _What about you Peter? Did you think the Chemistry assignment was hard?_

Peter shrugged. “Sirius did it for me in exchange for seven packages of chocolate.” He didn’t see the point of writing their conversation out just to make Lupin feel better. Peter’s handwriting was too messy for most of the teachers to read, and he didn’t want to embarrass himself.

Lily made a disapproving sort of grunt. _That’s cheating, Peter. Plagiarism. Don’t you think so, Remus?_

Remus shrugged. _I guess so. Peter’s really cheating himself, isn’t he? I wouldn’t worry about it._

Peter groaned. Even the mute weirdo had more friends than he did. He turned back to Sirius, but he was deep in whispered conversation with James.

 _And my mum wonders why I keep a rat for company,_ Peter thought angrily.

 

All throughout breakfast, James and Sirius whispered about the prank they were planning for Remus. It was brilliant, sure to be a success.

“Pete’s got a rat, you know,” James said, glancing at Peter as the other boy sat down for breakfast.

“Oh, I know,” Sirius chuckled. “I’ve known since it escaped that day I was in bed with the flu last year. How long have you known about it?”

“First year, when I woke up to its squeaking. Honestly, why do you think Peter would keep it a secret from us? It’s not like we’re going to tell McGonagall.” James mused.

“I dunno. Pete’s like that sometimes. But you think we should use this rat for the prank?”

 

Remus had a normal day. He went to class, passing notes with Lily when the lecture went on too long. He didn’t try initiate contact with James or Sirius…the three of them hadn’t been on great terms since they’d burst into the room laughing on Tuesday. Remus couldn’t complain, though, life at Hogwarts was far more entertaining than life at home.

After finishing his homework, he went to the bathroom to change into his pajamas. When he came out, all three of his roommates were asleep. This was strange. Sirius and James were usually up roughhousing for at least another half-hour.

Remus ignored their sleeping forms as he climbed into bed. Maybe they’d finally run out of energy.

When Remus pulled up his covers, his bed seemed to come alive. There was something moving at his feet…

The thing touched him, and suddenly it wasn’t at his feet, it was on his leg, then his arm.

 _It feels like fingers,_ he realized, freezing in terror. He wanted to scream, but couldn’t remember how. It was like he was _there_ again.

He shook, trying to push the thing off him. He thrashed, trying to remember where he was.

Someone flicked the light on. Remus heard a laugh in the distance, then a voice saying, “Sirius, this isn’t funny.”

Two black-haired boys (Remus knew them, didn’t he?), sprinted to his bedside. The one with glasses put his hand underneath Remus’ bed cover, and Remus shrank away, thrashing harder.

There was a thwack of one boy smacking the other. “Stop that, James. Can’t you see this is making it worse?” The hand left, and Remus calmed, though the finger-creature was still moving in his bed.

“Remus,” the same voice said firmly. “Remus, look here. It’s me, Sirius. You know, the one who asked if you were a germaphobe?” The voice was soothing. “Remus, can you get out of bed? Just step on up here. Good. That’s it.” Remus stepped from his bed, placing both feet on the floor. He stood on the opposite side of the others, arms crossed across his chest.

The boy with the glasses (James, Remus recalled), put his hand back in the bed, searching for something beneath the covers.

“Remus,” Sirius said. “I’m sorry we scared you. We were trying to do something funny.”

James pulled a flailing rat from under the covers. The rat had a chocolate bar tied to its tail with a piece of string. James held it out to Remus, smiling weakly. “This is what was bothering you.”

“We put it on your pillow,” Sirius added. “We thought you would see it before you laid down. We never knew it would run wild in your bed like that.”

James untied the string from the rat’s tail. “We thought it would be a funny way to give you this, like we had a furry little messenger.” James held the chocolate bar out to Remus, but he kept his arms crossed.

“Oh, God, Sirius,” James said, “We screwed this up big time.”

Sirius held his hand out. “Give me the rat.”

“What?” James was thoroughly confused.

“Trust me.” James set the rat in Sirius’ hand. Slowly, Sirius walked toward Remus with the rat.

“Look, Remus,” Sirius said. “It’s only a rat. A rat trying to deliver you some chocolate. A stupid little rat that would never hurt you. Touch its fur.”

Remus reached out his hand and stroked the animal’s silky back. He sighed in relief. He knew that there had been no human fingers in the bed. More than that, the feeling of the rat’s fur on his hand was relaxing. It reminded him of Pig, the dog he had had before anything in his life went wrong.

 “You like that, don’t you?” Sirius soothed. “Would you like to hold it?”

Remus nodded. Sirius tipped the little creature into Remus’ hand. Sirius saw Remus’ features relax, his eyes light up. They would not get a smile out of him today, but maybe it wasn’t far off.

 

Remus took Wormtail to bed with him that night. After James was sure he was asleep, he went over to Sirius’ bed, to find his friend wide awake.

“Bloody hell,” James said. “That was scary.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed. “But he’s okay now. He likes that rat.”

James nodded. “You were awesome with him, you know? I was so freaked, I didn’t know what to say.”

Sirius shrugged. “It’s not like that’s the first time I’ve seen something like that.”

James’ heart ached at the implication of Sirius’ words. _When, Sirius?_ James wondered. _And who?_ He didn’t push his friend though, not tonight. Instead, he glanced at Remus’ bed and said: “I wonder what was scaring him so bad.”

Sirius gave James a sad look. “I’m not sure I want to know.”

 

Peter woke up the next morning because he didn’t hear a squeak. That bothered him. Was Wormtail sick?

Peter rolled out of bed, grabbing the cage. It was empty. His little friend was gone!

“James!” he shouted. “Sirius! There’s something I have to tell you.”

James and Sirius jumped out of bed, running to Peter’s side.

“What’s up mate?” James asked sleepily.

“You see, I keep a rat under my bed. He’s escaped from his cage. Have you seen him? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”

“Oh, Pete,” Sirius said. “We know all about Wormtail.” Peter blinked in shock. He had been so careful to keep the rat a secret.

“We know where he is, too,” added James. “Come and see.”

The three boys circled around Remus’ bed. Remus lay on his stomach, with his head turned to one side. Little Wormtail was curled up against Remus’ face, fur just a shade darker than Remus’ hair. Both were fast asleep, their breathing in tune.

Peter was annoyed that his roommates had taken his rat. He reached out to take him back, but James’ hand stopped his. “Let Remus have this. Just for now.”

Peter nodded. “Alright. But don’t make a habit of it, eh?”

“Course not,” James said.

Sirius remained silent, his eyes on the sleeping boy in front of him.

_What will it take to make you happy?_


End file.
